Loosing Control

There's so much going on lately that i just don't know how to describe in a paragraph or in a composition. The common phrase, "God works in mysterious ways," just doesn't make sense, why hurt those who are pure and innocent, what have they done seriously? I looked into my friend's mother eyes and i saw that look i know all too well. So God, please tell me and explain to me what is your plan, cause i need to know right now more then ever....
    On a different note, I've hurt someone i care about, and all she did was care about me in her own way. She's well, Special, i've never met someone who was closely similar to me in certain ways and a face i couldn't read instantly. I was a train wreck and i couldn't bare waiting so long for her sms/call. So i snapped when she finally replied. I've spent the entire day kicking myself hating myself for that stupid action. I'm not that kinda person, i never was, but over the period of weeks with situations and issues happening simultaneously, i've lost control over my body and emotions. I've even put on weight, 2KGS of it. I just wish i could take back all that i said or did, i wish i could see her or rewind to the days where we had hourly conversations on a daily basis throughout the night and the simple pleasures of pizza whilst watching a movie.
     I have so many bills on my plate the last few weeks some accounting to over $1000, with every dollar gone, is a step i am further away from UNI or Cooking/Business School. I can't even concentrate on the road whilst driving especially when i'm driving at work. It's only a matter of time before i hit a tree or something, better that then a person. I think i've hit depression at the highest level, and i'm doing my utmost to make sure the family doesn't know. I just can't smile anymore, and i started puking out everything i eat. Still at the end of all that shit, some of which i can't mention, i still think of how i hurt this person today, i should had opened up to her when she asked, now it's too late, i've fucked up and i'm a mess. I have exams tomorrow and i cant be bothered about them any longer. i feel so pathetic typing all this personal shit here but i don't care what others think anymore........i feel like buying cigarettes and smoking away....